Farmer Jokes

[foggy]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she
was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my
truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to
be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't
want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the
zoo for me?
I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were
ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped
into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of
San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde
walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to
the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the
road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he
demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left
over---so now we're going to Sea World."

 

[Riggsgwp->]

A farm kid had his 12th birthday and his parents give him a 100 bucks and tell him he can buy whatever he wants. So the kid goes down to the local whorehouse and slaps the 100 down and says give me a whore. The lady looks at him and laughs and says how old are you? I just turned 12 today he says. Well she thinks he's a little young so she says you see that tree outside with the knot hole in it, why don't you go practice on that for awhile. The kid looks confused but says ok. Next thing you know the kid is making a racket so she figures he must know what he's doing and brings him in. You can go upstairs to the first door on the left she says. He's up there for awhile and then the lady here's some moaning and groaning and figures she needs to go check this out. She opens the door and sees the kid giving it to the whore with a broom handle and says what the heck are you doing kid? I'm checking for squirrels he says.

 

[j-bird]

Anybody else feel like they know this guy????

 

[j-bird]

Now that's parrenting right there!!!! Gitter done little one - gitter done!

 

[West Branch]

A man walks into a fine establishment with a crocodile under his arm, places the crocodile on the bar, grabs and empty beer bottle and says to the crowd, "Hey, watch this!". He raps the croc on the head with the beer bottle and it opens its mouth, at which point the man whips out his business and places his genitalia gently into the reptile's jaws. He raps the crocodile on the head once more with the beer bottle and its toothy mouth closes on the man's unit. After a few moments, he hits the crocodile on the head once more and retrieves his unit unscathed. He bellows "How about that!?! 100 bucks to whoever wants to give it a try!" A woman in the back says, "I'd love to, but promise not to hit me with that bottle."

 

[foggy]

Ole, from the little farm community of Viroqua, Wisconsin, married an attractive local farm girl, Lena, half his age. After several months, Lena complained that she had never climaxed during sex; and according to her Grandma, all Norwegian farm women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the large-animal Vet since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in V ernon County.

The Vet didn't have any sure-fire ideas, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Mother and Dad, Olga and Sven, would fan a cow that was having any difficulty birthing a calf to cool her down,relax her, and make her struggles easier. So, the Vet suggested that they might hire someone to wave a towel over them while they were having sex.This, the Vet said, might cause the young wife to relax and climax.

Not wanting the word of their troubles to spread around Viroqua County, the couple hired Lars, a young college student from the big city of Madison, to wave a towel over them as the Vet suggested. After several efforts, there was still no climax for Lena. They went back to the Vet.

The Vet thought some more and then suggested that Lena change partners and let Lars have sex with her while Ole tried waving the towel.

They tried it that night and Lena went into wild, shuddering, ear-splitting climaxes, one after another.

When it was over, Ole smugly looked down at Lars and said, "Ya see, city slicker, now dat's how ya vave a towel

 

[wiscwhip]

Viroqua...close, but Ole, Lena, Olga, Sven, and Lars are all from just a few miles up the road in Westby. ;) Their High School mascot is even the Norsemen. LOL

 

[chummer]

Can't make this stuff up

 

[tooln]

MO are you sure you didn't post that ad. ;)

 

[foggy]

You just have to love dirty old farmers! This is an actual add from the Craigslist Farm section out of Kirksville MO! hahahahaha!

View attachment 3191

How many responses have you received MO?

 

[foggy]

Hahaha! I would bet money that who ever that DOB is, he has gotten some calls! Its Missouri, some of the Horniest Broads in America live there and that is a fact!;)

One thing for certain. Any gal that responds to that add....oughta know what duties are expected as a part of her "employment". ;)

 

[tooln]

Roger That!

The only problem is there are a lot of corn fed Honey's roaming the hills in that part of Missouri. A guy may get one to show up that is 3 axe handles across, not what most guys would be looking for!:eek:

If that's the case he'll have to take one of those axe handles and strap it to his a$$ so he don't fall in.

 

[wiscwhip]

Hey now! Those ladies make the rockin' world go 'round! Although, given Freddie Mercury's sexual orientation, I was never quite sure how he knew that?!? o_O:confused::eek:

 

[tooln]

Freddy may have liked the BIG BOYS.

 

[foggy]

As everyone knows, farmers NEVER go to hell since they are the caretakers of the Earth. Unfortunately though, an error occurred and Satan found himself with a new dilemma: what to do with the farmer?

Satan decided that he would treat the farmer as he treats the rest of his workers, and make him work in the fields. The temperature in hell was 85 degrees with a humidity of 75%. All the workers were complaining about the heat and the humidity, but not the farmer. The farmer was sitting there with a happy expression on his face and whistling a favorite hymn. This made Satan irate, and Satan went to the farmer and asked, "why are you not complaining like the rest of the workers?" The farmer responded in delight, "these conditions remind me of when I was a lad and I was working in the fields in June with my daddy back in Iowa."

In a rage, Satan decided to turn the temperature up to 100 degrees, and have the humidity at 90%! The rest of the workers were swearing up a storm and the farmer continued to whistle his favorite hymn. Satan, more furious than ever now went up and demanded the farmer to tell him why he was still joyful. The farmer replied, "Well, this reminds me of a late day in August bailing hay with my boys back on our farm in Iowa." Satan was stumped. He was so mad, but he did not know what to do.

Then the thought came to Satan. Satan decided to turn the temperature down to five degrees. The temperature made the workers shiver in anger. Not the farmer though. The farmer was screaming and dancing; he even did a cart wheel. Satan, in anger screamed at the old man and said, "how can you still be so happy even when it is so miserable here?" The farmer responded, "Well, hell just froze over, you know what that means?"

"The Gophers just beat the Hawkeyes!" ;)

 

[JackTerp]

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin’ license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?”

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?

“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”

 

[sandbur]

I've been wondering from the start if "Cuda" placed the ad.

Psst.. don't tell Mo.

 

[foggy]

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, ithas

been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green

every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner,"You are

forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'".

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been twomonths

since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green twice a weekfor

the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie

Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very

well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'".

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver hissermon

when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fallupon

her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of thealtar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald greenshoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs

slightlyapart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and

whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy replies, "No

Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes!".

 

[foggy]

can be translated to Minnesota and north dakota also-haha

If You Grew Up In Rural Wisconsin ......


*You know how to polka, but never tried
it sober.

*You know what
knee-high by the Fourth of July means.

*You know it is traditional for the
bride and groom to go bar hopping between the church & reception.

*You know the
difference between "Green" and "Red" farm machinery,
and would fight with your friends on the playground over which was better!

*You buy Christmas presents at Fleet
Farm.

*You spent more on
beer and liquor than you did on food at your wedding.


*You or someone you
know was a "Dairy Princess" at the county fair.

*You know that "combine" is a
noun.


*You think Lutheran and Catholic are
THE major religions.

*You know that
"creek" rhymes with "pick".

*Football schedules, hunting season and
harvest are all taken into consideration before wedding dates are set.

*A Friday night date
is getting a six-pack and taking your girlfriend shining for deer and then
out for Friday night fish.

*Saturday you go to your local bowling
alley.

*There was at least
one, if not several, in your class who had to help milk cows in the
morning.

*You have driven your car on the lake.

*You can make sense
of "upnort," "bat-tree" and "warrssh."

*Every wedding dance you have ever been
to has the hokey pokey and the chicken dance.
FOR SURE!! (Dick)

*Your definition of
a small town is one that only has one bar.

*The local gas station sells live bait.

*At least twice a
year some part of your home doubles as a meat processing plant.

*You think that the start of deer
season or (the Packers going to the Super Bowl) is a national holiday!

*You actually
understand these jokes and will forward them to all your Wisconsin
friends and family!!!!!

 

[wiscwhip]

I am happy to report that all of the above apply to me....and I'm ok with that!:D