Farmer Jokes

[foggy]

Just for Sandbur.......

Ruth hangs up the phone and tells her farmer-husband, Art (whom is somewhat of a jack-pine-savage) that the neighbors have a new baby and they are to go over to have a look.

Art and Ruth hop in the pickup.....and on the way over Ruth cautions Art to NOT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE BABY BEING BORN WITHOUT EARS! She explains the new mother is very sensative that the kid was born without ears.....so dont say anything. Art agrees.

So they go into the nursery at the nieghbors house. Art looks the new baby over closely.....then looks the mother in the eye and says: "Does that baby see good?"

The mother says: "yes his vision is nearly perfect."

Art says: "thats a good thing then.....'cause he could never wear glasses." ;)

 

[sandbur]

Two years ago, I had a farmer client that bought his mother-in law a treadmill for Christmas. He walked with a limp and had ringing in his ears for the whole next year.

Last year she wanted something that went from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds. For Christmas he bought her a bathroom scale. I ain't seen him since.

 

[sandbur]

That ain't right Foggy!:eek:

Foggy- Shsss. Be quiet, don't tell my wife, Diane, about Ruth!

 

[j-bird]

John Smith was the only Baptost, deer hunter to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy deer tenderloin on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper.

This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it
anymore. They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.

They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the
Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved--now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of deer tenderloin cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses!

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent? The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a deer, you grew up as a deer, and now you are a fish."

 

[kl9]

John Smith was the only Baptost, deer hunter to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy deer tenderloin on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper.

This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it
anymore. They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.

They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the
Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved--now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of deer tenderloin cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses!

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent? The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a deer, you grew up as a deer, and now you are a fish."

This is a good one

 

[JackTerp]

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back. The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in. Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

 

[JackTerp]

A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “

 

[wiscwhip]

Not about farmers at all, but a very important message about Gun Safety!!!;)o_O:eek:

https://www.youtube.com/embed/qKHeXC7L85s?rel=0

 

[foggy]

For Sandbur:

Doctor Art had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The

guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that

said: "Art, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep

with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And besides..

you're single. Just let it go.." Invariably another other voice would bring

him back to reality..........

whispering.............Art

whispering.........................Dr Art

whispering.........................Dr. Art.......Your a Veterinarian.

 

[tooln]

Not about farmers at all, but a very important message about Gun Safety!!!;)o_O:eek:

https://www.youtube.com/embed/qKHeXC7L85s?rel=0

Damn that is a good one.

 

[tooln]

The Farmers Daughter

 

[sandbur]

For Sandbur:

Doctor Art had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The

guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that

said: "Art, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep

with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And besides..

you're single. Just let it go.." Invariably another other voice would bring

him back to reality..........

whispering.............Art

whispering.........................Dr Art

whispering.........................Dr. Art.......Your a Veterinarian.

I love them tall boots! Every sheep farmer wears them.

 

[West Branch]

I love them tall boots! Every sheep farmer wears them.

And has a box of Velcro gloves.

 

[JackTerp]

 

[JackTerp]

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the all the emphasis on Santa Claus, gift-giving, etc., so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?" . . . Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven." Mary answers, "He's in my heart." Melvin waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!" . . . The surprised teacher asks Melvin how he knows this. "Well," he replies, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!' "

 

[Maya]

A Vermont farmer is out in a field on his old 8n heading to a broken down barn to feed his cows. A rich Texas cattle baron driving by decides to stop and shoot the bull w/ the old Vermont farmer. He says he's got 10 of the biggest tractors John Deer makes. the Vermont farmer says, this is it, my old Ford. The Texan says,I got 5000 head of cattle. The Vermont farmer says, this is it, 10 head of milkers. The Texan then goes on and boasts, back home on the ranch I can drive all day and not reach the other end of the ranch! The old Vermont farmer says, aayep, I've got a truck like that too!

 

[sandbur]

The Difference between Men and Woman!

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute! Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking? Woman 1: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Woman 1: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier

Man 1: Haircut?...... Man 2: Yeah.

Man 1:Haircut?...Man 2. SOB,My head's cold!

 

[tooln]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a
glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just
ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm
celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the
woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What
are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my
hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

 

[McLovin]

Back when I hunted northern MN we had an old orthodontically challenged Finn neighbor that we called Fang (not to his face) that used to have sheep. One hunting season while he was drinking our beer he casually mentioned that he had gotten rid of all his sheep except one... I asked him if he had kept the prettiest one. He didn't find it as funny as the rest of us.

 

[JackTerp]