Farmer Jokes

[j-bird]

Jack - my mother said something similar once. I told her that at the first sign of drool I would put an end to it - she has avoided the dentist ever since!!!!

My wife often says as she is walking out the door to go some place, "Miss me." My typical response is, "Only the first time, I'm a better shot than that!"

I'm a year older thamy wife. She once informed me that her life insurance policy reaches full maturity when she reachs 70 years old. This got brought up while at the retirement planners office in discussing options of sources of income in retirement. Well the "agent" got around to asking how long I intend to live. He just wanted me to think about it, not expectin a realanswer, but I surprised him with an immediate response of 72. He surprisingly asked how I came up with that number. I explained that once my wife dies of a terrible "accident" (and I used air quotes fo accident) once she turns 70 (I would be 71) I'm bound to live a lifestyle of women and booze that will surely kill me before I ever see 72! He wasn't sure what to say and just sat there in shock, I laughed my ass off and she was pissed - I think I spent the night on the couch!

 

[JackTerp]

j-bird, my wife says the same thing. Miss me? I always say "The last three times but I've been practicing."

 

[JackTerp]

1. Parallel lines have so much in common.
   It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
2. My wife accused me of being immature.
   I told her to get out of my fort.
3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
   Then they call me ugly and poor.
4. How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   One, they’re efficient and not very funny.
5. What do you call a dog with no legs?
   It doesn’t matter; it’s not going to come.
6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.
   You have my Word.
7. What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
   A pool table.
8. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
   Poor bastard.
9. How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
   You look for fresh prints.
10. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
    Even the cake was in tiers.

 

[JackTerp]

1. We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea.
   Runs in our jeans.
2. A physicist sees a young man about to jump off of the Empire State Building.
   He yells “Don’t do it! You have so much potential!”
3. Want to hear a word I just made up?
   Plagiarism.
4. Why do cows wear bells?
   Because their horns don’t work.
5. What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
   Aye Matey.
6. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
   If anything, it made him more sluggish.
7. Someone stole my mood ring,
   I don’t know how I feel about that.
8. I tried to catch fog yesterday,
   Mist.
9. Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
   If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
10. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
    She looked surprised.

 

[j-bird]

Gotta love public school and our wonderful system for electing public officials. This guy is a supervisor!

 

[tooln]

Here's a joke I pulled on my boss last night. He had ordered a replacement cylinder a little over a month ago. He was worried about if it would fit or not as it was a special order and couldn't be returned. We have a pre shift meeting every night that includes our part person. Parts told us his cylinder had come in. He asked it's location so he could check it out. A few of us beat him to it and removed the blue cylinder which he ordered, put some weight under the packing foam and put the little cylinder in the box and sealed it back up. You should have seen the look on his face when he opened it.
The blue cylinder is 5' long. The one I got from stock was under 5".

 

[John-W-WI]

I ran into these in an email and thought of this thread:

Life from the seat of a tractor..

An old Farmer's Words of Wisdom we could all live by.......




The last quote fits everyone...I don't care who you are


Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.


Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.


Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.


A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.


Words that soak into your ears are whispered¦....not yelled.


Meanness don't just happen overnight.


Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.


It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.


You cannot unsay a cruel word.


Every path has a few puddles.


When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.


The best sermons are lived, not preached.


Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.


Don't judge folks by their relatives.


Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.


Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.


Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.


Timin' has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.


If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.


Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.


The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.


Always drink upstream from the herd.


Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.


Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.


If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.


Live simply, love generously, care deeply,


Speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.

Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

 

[SD51555]

Anybody thinking about getting the new Dik-4 from Honda?

 

[phil@thesidehill]

Anybody thinking about getting the new Dik-4 from Honda?

wait for it......wait...wait...wait.....i cant help it...whats a dik-4????

 

[tooln]

I think maybe it was fat fingered and should have been a dio-4. Which is a joke in itself.

 

[phil@thesidehill]

Just came across this from a couple of years ago! This is no joke, but funny as hell. I took this sign down on a washed out bridge in Missouri by our farm. This was painted up and put out by our township supervisor. hahahahaha! Thought you guys would get a kick out of it! Missouri at its best!

View attachment 3705

a few years back some young hoodlums decided to spray paint some "bad words" on barrier walls of a bridge outside of town by the chitty apartments....it read..."I hate nigers". Apparently they didn't care too much for the for the people of the landlocked country in NW Africa.

 

[SD51555]

wait for it......wait...wait...wait.....i cant help it...whats a dik-4????

Ah you shoulda left it out there...

 

[j-bird]

I'm married with 4 kids - what is a dik-4? I know what it was for......well I know what it WAS used for!

 

[tooln]

FARMER ON A PLANE
A US Congressman was seated next to a farmer on the airplane when the Congressman turned to him and said, let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. 'The farmer, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, what would you like to talk about?' Oh, I don't know said the stranger how about the banking crisis? That could be an interesting and timely topic said the farmer. But let me ask you a question first. A horse a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The Congressman, visibly surprised by the farmers question, thinks about it and says, Hmmm, I have no idea. To which the farmer replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss banking when you don't know $hit?

 

[foggy]

Adult Joke of the Year

One day in the future, BarackObama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell,wherethe devil is waiting for him.



"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...........



"OK, Monica, you're free to go."


OK....so there is nothing about a farmer in this joke. :D

 

[j-bird]

Talk about the devil is in the details!

 

[Ogemaone]

Since we are on Obama, enough said

 

[West Branch]

A man from Montana and from North Dakota were driving along when all of a sudden the Montanan slams on the brakes.
There was a sheep with her head stuck in the fence and the Montanan said "We never pass up an opportunity like this!" And he gets out and has his way with the sheep.
Then he says to the North Dakota man, "Your turn"...
And the North Dakota man bends over and sticks his head in the fence.

 

[West Branch]

One day a kid and his mom were walking through a cemetery when they passed a grave and the kid stopped to read it.
He read aloud "here lies a University of Wisconsin graduate and a great man."
The kid then says "mom I dont get it."
The mom says "why not?"
The kid says "why are there 2 people buried here?"

 

[JackTerp]

"Will you do my back, love?" said the wife, sat in the bath.

"Sure," I said, "pass me the razor."