Farmer Jokes

[sandbur]

I was pregnancy checking cows for them and three representatives from a national cattle artificial insemination company walked in. The company offered a contract for big bucks (in those days) for a specific cow of the brothers to be bred with semen from a specific bull. A bull calf from that combination of genetics is what was needed. The company got a quick answer , "We don't want to mess with that and will just use our own bull."

The brothers went back to chores and ignored the company reps. The reps left.


These brothers were very sharp and knew the company would be back in a few weeks or months with a counter offer. No negotiating or friendly discussion with the reps was needed. Another company had also made an offer.

 

[sandbur]

Different set of brothers that farmed out MoBucks way. Probably more of John's relatives.

One of the other young vets I worked with went to the farm. The older brother was struggling with the wheel barrow to feed the cows. One side of his face was hanging. He had trouble talking, one arm and leg were dragging.

This vet I worked with said, "You better get him to the hospital."

Younger brothers says, "It is just one of his spells. Give him a few days and he gets over it."

I guess Physical Therapy comes in many forms.

 

[McLovin]

A logger shows up in a new camp deep in the Canadian bush. After a few days he asks the foreman if they ever bring any working girls into camp as he's feeling a little lonely. "No, it's too far for them to travel. There's an old oak barrel out behind the mess hall with a hole in it, the guys just use that". The logger thinks that sounds terrible and dismisses the foreman's suggestion until a week later, when he can't take it anymore. He heads out back, finds the barrel, and it feels incredible! The next morning he finds the foreman and thanks him, "Can I use that barrel any night I want?" he asks. "Any night except Thursday night" the foreman answers. "Why can't I use it on Thursdays?" the logger asks.

"Because Thursday's your night in the barrel."

 

[Natty Bumppo]

Farmer catches a duck hunter trying to climb over his fence that has a clearly marked posted sign.

Farmer: What you doin' son?
Hunter: The duck I shot landed on your property I'm going to retrieve it.
Farmer: Well, if that duck's on my property, it's my duck.
Hunter: Yes, but I shot it, so it's mine.
Farmer: Out here in the country we have a way of resolving conflicts like this. I kick you in the nuts, then you kick me in the nuts…and we keep gong back and forth. Last man standing gets to keep the duck.
Hunter: O.K., old man…let's do it.

The farmer kicks the hunter in the nuts as hard as he can. The hunter doubles over in pain, but gets back up after a few minutes, clearly in pain.

Hunter: O.K., now it's my turn.
Farmer: Naw, nevermind. You can have the duck.

 

[bueller]

A farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is trying to hold the farm together until her husband can get out. She's not, however, very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to him in jail: "Dear sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes. When is the best time to do it?" The farmer writes back: "Honey, don't go near that field. That's where all my guns are buried." But, because he is in jail all of the farmer's mail is censored. So when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns. After two full days of digging, they don't find one single weapon. The farmer then writes to his wife: "Honey, now is when you should plant the potatoes."

 

[UP Powers]

What do Monica Lewinsky and the Green Bay Packers have in common??

They both Love Clinton Dix HaHa

A farmer walks into a bar with a tractor steering wheel for a belt buckle.. He say's Ahhhh this Steering wheel is Driving me Nuts!!!!!

 

[Reagan]

Mo,

That is funny shit.

 

[foggy]

A young man with his pants hanging half off,
two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain
around his neck; walked into the local welfare office
to pick up his check.

He walked up to the counter and said, "Hi.
You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.
I'd really rather have a job.
I don't like taking advantage of the System, getting
something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent.
We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man WHOM OWNS LOTS OF FARMLAND (:))
who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his daughter.

You'll have to drive his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL,
and he will supply your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her
overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have,
as part of your job,the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges
as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather uninhibited sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it." .....

 

[foggy]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smoke lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

 

[foggy]

There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. A gay guy applied for the job and was hired. He turned out to be fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night went to town. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand, two-thirty, in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she asked.

"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.
"Now," she said, "Take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down.

Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"

(I just need a few more "likes" to make 100 ;) ) HaHaHaHa grin

 

[tooln]

Settling a cow case
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

 

[tooln]

Wife isn't in the car
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

 

[foggy]

A blond gets tired of it all and dyes her hair. She's now a brunette and feels *much* smarter. Everyone tells her she's smarter. So she goes for a drive in the country one day and stops in a lane which is blocked by a herd of sheep. She gets out, talks to the farmer and says, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" He looks perplexed but says, "Sure." So she says, " Uh....157?" He says, "My God, that's correct. Take a sheep. " So she wanders among the herd. She likes this one and that one and finally is very attracted to one that wags its tail and likes her. She picks it up and puts in it the car. The farmer says, "Can I make a deal with you?" "Sure, " says she. He says, "If I can guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"

 

[foggy]

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian called "sand burr" have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows."

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?"

"I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."

 

[sandbur]

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian called "sand burr" have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows."

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?"

"I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."

We are offering a special on these pills and I am working on adding them to a deer mineral.

My wife won't eat them, but I tried to hide them in her coffee.

 

[Bowsnbucks]

Do you ship to Pa., Bur???:D:)

 

[j-bird]

Burr - how about IN????? My wife likes peckermint - I mean peppermint!

 

[foggy]

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's once." A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice." After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do." The farmer said, "That's once."

(Hey.....I got allota "likes" for posting this drivel....just like Mo! :D )

 

[West Branch]

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's once." A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice." After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do." The farmer said, "That's once."

(Hey.....I got allota "likes" for posting this drivel....just like Mo! :D )

My dad tells a story about a neighbor that passed away 15+ years ago. Someone came by riding their horses and asked him about riding them on his place. He went in the house grabbed his rifle and walked out to to his pasture on the edge of his yard and shot one of his own horses. He told the people that is what he would do to their horses if he caught them riding on his place.

Of course they didn't know the horse was sick and he was already planning on shooting it.

 

[foggy]

No Like from me on this joke. Wasn't funny. You need a new joke website.;)

Just pulling your chain Mo. ;)