M
MoLandOwner
Guest
The Dot, FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP..
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical support.
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical support.
wklman
5 year old buck +
Saw this on Facebook and thought it was pretty funny.
A Montana Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson, from Missoula, Montana. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my 'Johnson', so now, I'm, Just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing..
A Montana Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson, from Missoula, Montana. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my 'Johnson', so now, I'm, Just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing..
M
MoLandOwner
Guest
SD51555
5 year old buck +
Heard a Baxter Black joke over the weekend listening to the radio. He was doing a quiz to help farmers understand whether they were great farmers or fools. Here's a couple I could remember.
Question 1: I will continue to farm as long as I can
A. Make money
B. Borrow money
Question 2: My banker calls me
A. An astute business person
B. Every two hours
Question 1: I will continue to farm as long as I can
A. Make money
B. Borrow money
Question 2: My banker calls me
A. An astute business person
B. Every two hours
M
MoLandOwner
Guest
foggy
5 year old buck +
I got a three dollar bill....with a picture of "Slick Wille" on it.
foggy
5 year old buck +
This is when you are too old......
An old farmer was walking down the path to the pond when he spotted a bullfrog. He reached down and grabbed the frog and started to put him in his pocket when the bullfrog said, "Kiss me on the lips and I will turn into a beautiful farmers wife." Again the old farmer started to put the frog in his pocket. The frog asked, "Didn't you hear what I said?" The farmer looked at the frog and said," At my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
An old farmer was walking down the path to the pond when he spotted a bullfrog. He reached down and grabbed the frog and started to put him in his pocket when the bullfrog said, "Kiss me on the lips and I will turn into a beautiful farmers wife." Again the old farmer started to put the frog in his pocket. The frog asked, "Didn't you hear what I said?" The farmer looked at the frog and said," At my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
M
MoLandOwner
Guest
'' God is great....Beer is Good....and People are crazy."
Don't know how accurate these figures are, but you can't argue with the
concept!
If you had spent $1,000.00 in shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you would have $49.00 today!
If you had spent $1,000.00 in shares in AIG one year ago, you would
have $33.00 today.
If you had spent $1,000.00 in shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank
all the beer, then turned in all the aluminum cans for the recycling
refund, you would have received $214.00
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink
heavily and recycle.
It is called the 401-Keg plan. And, as a bonus...a recent study found
that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of
alcohol a year. That means that the average
American gets about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you darn proud to be an American!
Don't know how accurate these figures are, but you can't argue with the
concept!
If you had spent $1,000.00 in shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you would have $49.00 today!
If you had spent $1,000.00 in shares in AIG one year ago, you would
have $33.00 today.
If you had spent $1,000.00 in shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank
all the beer, then turned in all the aluminum cans for the recycling
refund, you would have received $214.00
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink
heavily and recycle.
It is called the 401-Keg plan. And, as a bonus...a recent study found
that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of
alcohol a year. That means that the average
American gets about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you darn proud to be an American!
wiscwhip
5 year old buck +
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
I went to the pub last night and saw a FAT chick dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
I went to the pub last night and saw a FAT chick dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
SD51555
5 year old buck +
This isn't a farmer joke, but I laughed so hard I was crying this morning. There is a bad f-word in there, and I tried to sanitize it for public consumption. Hopefully it meets the standard for acceptance and we can see thru to the humor. The jokes we can play on our not-so-tech-savy friends and family...
j-bird
Moderator
That reminds me of the time when I was in college and I was home for the weekend and screwed with the TV just to drive my father nuts. My father is a channel surfing freak and will instantly turn the channel when a commercial comes on so it is nearly impossible to watch a complete show of anything with him in control of the remote. So with that in mind one night I re-programmed the TV - I deleted all the channels I new he watched and left only the crap like CSPAN, the home shopping club and religious channel and those sorts of things, I also changed the language setting to spanish. In doing so the channel would jump/skip over many channels when he would start his surfing episodes - which really pissed him off and then all the help screens and menus where in spanish which pissed him off even more. Well he finally figured out that if he hit "0" "4" "enter" he could get channel 4, and then "0" "5" "enter" he could get channel 5, but my father is not a patient person so this just drove him nuts. At first he had my mother call the cable company because he thought it was an issue with them. After about 2 days of this I get a call at school from my mother. She is trying to ask me what could possibly be wrong with the TV - as dad thought it may need to be replaced, and I hear him cursing profusely in the background! My mother really didn't care because she didn't watch much TV. I'm laughing over the phone because I hear my father in a rant about this stupid, GD, MF'n TV! He was more than just a little pissed off over the whole thing. I explained to mom how to correct the settings on the TV simply to restore some sanity to the house. Everybody, but dad, got a really good laugh out of the whole thing. So every once in a while when he gets full of himself - I just look at him and tell him he better not screw with me or I will screw with the TV again! Some day my kids will do what SD stated above to my cell and I won't have the slightest idea on how to fix it either!
