M
MoLandOwner
Guest
Screw with my father?
I learned one time at age 15, and never did that again. He punched me so fricken hard i was out for a 1/2 hr and he knocked me out of both my shoes.
Screw with my father?
I learned one time at age 15, and never did that again. He punched me so fricken hard i was out for a 1/2 hr and he knocked me out of both my shoes.
j-bird
Moderator
My father was NEVER the authority figure in my house (you don't screw with mom). He worked nights my entire childhood and we are less than 20 years apart in age so we where pals. Last thing he wanted to do was be "the bad guy". He was/is more like a much older brother than my father. I actually got a hold of him once and had him picked up over my head and he was making more noise than a little girl (yes I am noticeably bigger than my father as well). My mother yelled, "Jason, put your father down before you hurt him.....he has to go to work in the morning!" We have NEVER had a serious altercation between us, just never had a reason to get to that point. I recall being spanked only once as a child by my father and I think he cried more than I did, mom on the other hand was a whole different story. He was pissed about the TV though - but once it reached a point that mom became upset, then that was when I knew it went far enough.
SD51555
5 year old buck +
Yes! Kim Kardashian has published a book of un-released selfies. The amazon comments are priceless...
http://www.amazon.com/Kim-Kardashia...id=1438741297&sr=8-1&keywords=kardashian+book
http://www.amazon.com/Kim-Kardashia...id=1438741297&sr=8-1&keywords=kardashian+book
M
MoLandOwner
Guest
wiscwhip
5 year old buck +
Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
wiscwhip
5 year old buck +
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most
beautiful woman boarding the plane..
He soon realized she was heading straight towards
his seat ... As fate would have it, she took the seat
right beside his..
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,
"Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going
to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention
in Boston "
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous
woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and
she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly
asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I
have learned from my personal experiences to debunk
some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that
African-American men are the most well-endowed of
all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian
who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best
lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely
the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable
and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really
be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most
beautiful woman boarding the plane..
He soon realized she was heading straight towards
his seat ... As fate would have it, she took the seat
right beside his..
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,
"Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going
to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention
in Boston "
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous
woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and
she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly
asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I
have learned from my personal experiences to debunk
some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that
African-American men are the most well-endowed of
all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian
who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best
lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely
the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable
and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really
be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
Bowsnbucks
5 year old buck +
Good one Whip !!! ^^^^^^^ Made me LOL !!!:p
JackTerp
5 year old buck +
A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now tell me, what the HECK would you say?"
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now tell me, what the HECK would you say?"
JackTerp
5 year old buck +
20 "Man" rules that every man should no and follow.
1. All groceries must go from the vehicle to the house in one trip. It does not matter how many bags there are.
2. Thou shalt always talk s**t to each other, but never actually mean it.
3. If you’re in a conversation where girls are talking about one of your friends, and you know he likes on of them, you should always drop “good bombs” - basically subtly mention good things about him in a non-bromance way.
4. Alcohol is a form of currency.
5. Never take your buddy’s last beer without asking. Ever.
6. No grudges. You talk or fight out your differences then have a beer and get over it.
7. Do not date your best friend’s ex. Even if they say it’s fine, you simply don’t do it. It can destroy relationships.
8. Chill out. It’s really not such a big deal. This statement applies to pretty much everything, at any time.
9. Player 1 shall always fall to whomever owns the console.
10. Shotgun is a responsibility, not a privilege. If you are sitting up front, you're not a passenger, you're the copilot. You're responsible for music selection, navigation, and responding to calls and texts on the driver's phone.
11. Don't throw a friend under the bus to impress someone. Ever.
12. When offered a beer, accept even if it's not "your brand". Your favorite brand of beer is "free". Your second favorite is "cold".
13. If it makes for a good story – do it.
14. If a guy is engaged in a conversation with a woman, don’t interrupt or try to piggyback. Find your own girl.
15. If your bro dies, delete his internet history.
16. If a bro dies while lifting, put more weight on the bar, then call 911.
17. NEVER use the urinal directly next to another man unless absolutely necessary, and for the love of all that is holy, do not speak to him.
18. Be polite around your bro's girlfriend, but when he asks what you think, always lay the cold hard truth on him.
19. If they helped you move, you are compelled by law to reciprocate.
20. There are specific rules to the "head nod" when greeting another male. If you know them, you nod up. If you don't know them, you nod down. Fact.
1. All groceries must go from the vehicle to the house in one trip. It does not matter how many bags there are.
2. Thou shalt always talk s**t to each other, but never actually mean it.
3. If you’re in a conversation where girls are talking about one of your friends, and you know he likes on of them, you should always drop “good bombs” - basically subtly mention good things about him in a non-bromance way.
4. Alcohol is a form of currency.
5. Never take your buddy’s last beer without asking. Ever.
6. No grudges. You talk or fight out your differences then have a beer and get over it.
7. Do not date your best friend’s ex. Even if they say it’s fine, you simply don’t do it. It can destroy relationships.
8. Chill out. It’s really not such a big deal. This statement applies to pretty much everything, at any time.
9. Player 1 shall always fall to whomever owns the console.
10. Shotgun is a responsibility, not a privilege. If you are sitting up front, you're not a passenger, you're the copilot. You're responsible for music selection, navigation, and responding to calls and texts on the driver's phone.
11. Don't throw a friend under the bus to impress someone. Ever.
12. When offered a beer, accept even if it's not "your brand". Your favorite brand of beer is "free". Your second favorite is "cold".
13. If it makes for a good story – do it.
14. If a guy is engaged in a conversation with a woman, don’t interrupt or try to piggyback. Find your own girl.
15. If your bro dies, delete his internet history.
16. If a bro dies while lifting, put more weight on the bar, then call 911.
17. NEVER use the urinal directly next to another man unless absolutely necessary, and for the love of all that is holy, do not speak to him.
18. Be polite around your bro's girlfriend, but when he asks what you think, always lay the cold hard truth on him.
19. If they helped you move, you are compelled by law to reciprocate.
20. There are specific rules to the "head nod" when greeting another male. If you know them, you nod up. If you don't know them, you nod down. Fact.
JackTerp
5 year old buck +
So, I was walking through Chicago and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store."
I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"
The clerk said, "F--- off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"
The clerk said, "F--- off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
JackTerp
5 year old buck +
A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
