Farmer Jokes

[JackTerp]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

 

[JackTerp]

 

[SD51555]

 

[foggy]

The Pharmacist

You've seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours? I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist, and since she and her sister were owners of the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help me. I said that I would prefer to speak to a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, “ This is tough for me, as a shy man, to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.”
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute. I'll talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, “ We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:
... 1/3 ownership of the business,
... a rent-free apartment,
... a king size bed and
... $3,000 a month in living expenses."

​

 

[MoLandOwner]

 

[MoLandOwner]

 

[MoLandOwner]

 

[wklman]

 

[huntall]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him

 

[foggy]

Dear Abby, My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning,
and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do? Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless: Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States.

 

[JackTerp]

 

[JackTerp]

A doctor from France says: “In France, the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

A German doctor comments quietly: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says boasting: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor laughs and answers loudly immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA , about 7 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole damn country is looking for work."

 

[JackTerp]

 

[JackTerp]

 

[JackTerp]

 

[SD51555]

Things I do to kill time. I'm working a promo event today and it's pretty slow. We're doing a drawing for a fuel gift card. Beings that my boss isn't here, but he's going to be doing the draw on Monday, I have entered the following people in the drawing as well.

Bee O'Problem
Anite Weiner
Uri Nader
Oliver Kloshoff
Ollie Ta'Buger
Seymore Butts
Hugh Jass
Mike Wrotch
Lee Keybum
Heywood Jablomee

 

[foggy]

^ How about the 3 Stooges Lawyers: Wille, Cheatum & Howe.

 

[browndog]

^^^^^^
Howie Felterbush
Harry Balczak
Anita Dickens
Sharon Peters

 

[MoLandOwner]

You might think that you've heard this before, but you must read till the end....

This is the Best, Most Interesting English Lesson I have had to date.
Did you know "listen" and "silent" use the same Letters?

Do you know that the words "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car"?

And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its
past tense "ate"?

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more
letters, It spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit- grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making,
non-English speaking bastards, and take those other hairy-faced, sandal wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-shagging, Raggedy-ass bastards with you."

How weird is that?

 

[wiscwhip]

I read that exact joke to my wife the other day and she just looked at me crossly......and then burst into hysterical laughter!