What really happened last spring to 'the other site' and a personal favor to ask

[Jim Timber]

I've been dealing with un-managed major depression for the past 18 years. I did "try" to get help for it back in 2012 after my physical issues kicked into hyperdrive, but the meds they put me on gave me the dreaded flattened effect and I felt like a zombie from the moment I woke to when I decided the day was over. Nothing was fun, nothing was sad, nothing was nothing and everything was nothing: I was a shell and didn't care about a damn thing. So I tossed that bottle of pills and lied and said I was fine and it was probably situational and would improve when my life improved. Funny part about that; my life never did improve after 2012. Lost my job, hands won't work right more than a few hours a day, can't find a job I'm able to do, can't bring myself to giving up on the dream of living up North so the bills and expenses just keep on coming but the money never did. It's been a damn rough ride for the past 7 years!

Well, the timber sale that was going to finally provide some relief wasn't happening, I'd washed out of yet another job that I only made it 4 days at, and my body was shutting down. Anthony Bourdain wasn't able to beat his demons and last Spring I'd almost gotten whooped too. Brooks owed me some money that I was in dire need of to pay bills and I shut his posting off to force his hand to finally write the check. Sure, it wasn't the best use of my position as admin, but it was the only card I had to play and a slap in the face of him spending hours posting on "my" site and not taking care of fulfilling our agreement. When he did finally pay, I was left with a moral dilemma: do I suffer the wrath of betraying my position, or just pull the plug and walk away. No one stepped up to take over, so I hit "delete". As we all know, Lee started another site about a week later and I vanished off the face of the map for the most part.

This past year was pretty rough. I had no appetite, no motivation to do anything really. I was getting dressed just because I didn't want my step-son to come home and see his father-figure (his bio-dad died of cancer when he was 4) mostly naked late-afternoon, but it wasn't because I was "up and ready to face the world". Shit, I rarely left the couch.

After a medical exam for increasing my disability rating, the examiner realized I was barely holding together and said something that finally pushed me to seek help. I started counseling, some anti-depressant meds, and did a lot of soul searching to try to find peace within myself. By late July, I was in group therapy once a week, individual counseling weekly outside of group, and was dealing with some of my physical pain issues more intensively - my life was doctor's appointments.

The Mrs. and kiddo were out of town, I was tired of waking up to go to the doc's and coming home to wait out the rest of the day to repeat the process in the morning, and decided I was going to stop at the Humane Society on my way home instead. My day was already shit, so maybe I could make some animals day's better and it might cheer me up in the process. I'd found myself playing with everyone's service dogs at the VA (not always a good thing) and really wanted one of my own but The Mrs. had shot me down a couple years prior as she thought a dog would just mean more work for her. I went to the Coon Rapids location, played with some cats (we already had 3), and then took a pit mix out to their little pen and played with him for about 30 minutes. That was fun, but Kobe wasn't a good fit for me and I went home. The next day, after being on the East side of town for group, I decided I'd never been to the Woodbury location and went there to do the same thing. I played with the cats, then went to the kennels to see who was hanging out. First kennel had a Blackmouth Cur puppy who immediately started barking it's fool head off as soon as I opened the main door into the room. OH Hell NO! I'm too old for that nonsense! Then there were a couple Springers, and we had a Springer growing up. Toffee was a good dog, but we never hunted her since my dad was from Chicago and has never been hunting in his life (I had to seek out and learn all my redneck ways on my own), and I didn't want another one. Nothing against them, but I figured a hound breed would be more my style (and I was right!). The last stall on the first block of kennels had Vinnie in it. He was chilling and happy to see me, would take treats from my hand without nipping fingers, and had an obvious eye injury to his right eye but there were some other medical condition stickers on his chart I didn't recognize. So I asked a girl who was filling food bowls what they meant and she didn't know either, and went off to find someone who did. While I was waiting for her return, I'd started looking up Blackmouth Cur's (BMC) on my phone and then another lady showed up with a clipboard and a leash. Vinnie was obviously happy to see her, and it turned out this was his bathroom break time. I asked if she was going to walk Vinnie, and she said yes. Then I asked if I could walk him instead? "Are you interested in Vinnie?" I don't know, but I'd like to walk him if that's ok? "He's got exercise restrictions from his heartworm treatment, so you can't run him or anything." That's ok, my knees are shot - neither one of us is running today! "Meet me over by the door and I'll let you take him from there."

Little did I know, that was God's plan for suckering me into phase 2 of recovery. :D

 

[Jim Timber]

Vinnie was a bit scared by the cars on the road (there's a tree line that divides their yard from a busy street by a mall), but he was loving being outside. We walked the edge of the lot where the bushes are and he was intent on sniffing everything. They have a pond, and he didn't jump in upon first sight of it (can't have a wet dog at the cabin. Heck, I didn't know if he'd be allowed in the cabin at all) but only took a drink and then proceeded to be distracted by another track through the brush. His nose was going a mile a minute twitching with all the smells of the outside world. We stopped to take a break and watched some other people with purse dogs doing their intro's and he wasn't trying to eat them. After about 45 minutes, I figured he might be hungry or thirsty and we went back to his kennel. Then we went to a visitation room and I tried calling The Mrs. No answer. Ok, another hour goes by and I'm really liking this pooch. He plays with cat toys trying to kill the feathers. lol I bet he's a machine on squirrels. Put him back in his kennel for another food/drink opportunity and to free up the visitation room as it's late Friday night and there were a bunch of people at the HS by now. Called The Mrs. again, still no answer but wasn't going to leave a message either. I'm not giving her time to prepare arguments why getting a dog now still isn't a good idea. Went back into the visitation room and played with Vinnie for another hour and now I'm stuck. He's coming home, but I don't have any dog supplies, no carrier for the truck, food, treats, leash, collar... I need to hit Fleet Farm, but I can't make it back to the HS before the 8pm cut-off for starting adoptions. So I put him on hold and hit FF on the way home.

The Mrs. doesn't like surprises at all! She doesn't even like waiting to find out what her Christmas presents are. I got a call around midnight asking about the 2 missed calls and if I needed something? I told her "I was going to ask your input on something, but I made an executive decision and you'll find out Monday when you get home." "Ok, I hope it's a good one?" "Oh, I think you'll like it."

Went to get Vinnie when the HS opened the next morning and he's been my best buddy ever since.

Little did I know, all three of my therapists would agree that was one of the best decisions I'd made in a long time. Vinnie helped get me active again (which was part of my plan in getting him), but he also forced me to have social interactions with people when I was out with him (because he's adorable and everyone wants to pet him). We go to the dog parks a few times a week and it's gotten me walking more, and that's a good thing even though my knees don't always agree. In all, he's the biggest anti-depressant pill I have. lol

So here's where I need some help: When I got Vinnie, my vet seemed to think his cataract wasn't a pressing issue and we could take care of it whenever. I was intending to use some of the proceeds of the logging (which happened this winter) to pay for it, but our sale came up about $10K short of the projected outcome. I just don't have the money to do the surgery. Then, while I was at a memorial service for a friend who died this Spring, one of his friends happened to be a research veterinarian at the U of M Med School doing the pre-human testing programs. He mentioned there were some complications to a traumatic cataract and that "it probably hasn't been long enough for the retina to detach, yet." And I'm thinking "YET?????" Grrrr.... Crap! I don't have the money to fix his eye. I won't have the money for several years either. Which is why I'm posting this here. Hopefully if anyone's having issues with depression, my speaking out will help them seek the help they need to deal with it, and maybe if someone feels so inclined, they could help contribute to fixing Vinnie's eye. We're at around $1K of the $3K needed to cover the surgery, and I have a couple checks in the mail yet that I have no idea what amount they're written for. It's hard for me to ask for help, let alone money, but Vinnie spent 5 months in a kennel in Florida gestating heartworm because they didn't have the money to treat it, only to come up here and spend another month in a kennel getting treated and then no one seemed to want him despite him being an awesome dog. I can't let him lose his eye if there's a way we can prevent that. He might never develop the complications, but he certainly would benefit from being able to see 3 dimensionally again. He runs into things, and can't catch treats tossed at him (he waits until they hit his face then fall on the floor to hoover them up). I'd really love to be able to play frisbee with him, and he didn't even know what "fetch" was a year ago; now running down a tennis ball is his favorite game.



https://www.facebook.com/donate/391862794630847/

 

[Turkey Creek]

I am glad to hear things are looking up for you in life. It is a miserable existence to feel as if you have no purpose in life and no hope that things will get better. Glad Vinnie is bringing the joy and purpose back to you. Always enjoyed your posts in the past hope you will feel like contributing again on a regular basis.

 

[4wanderingeyes]

Mans best friend, they sure are! I can relate to a lot of your story. 8 years ago I caught my, at the time wife cheating on me, and I went into a depression, I locked everyone out of my life for a couple years, if it wasnt for my best friend Blue to get me through it, I dont know I would have. I tried being medicated, and like you, didnt like it. Around that same time, my daughter insisted she needed a dog, then a few months later she couldnt take care of it, so I decided I had room for her, now my best friend Blue, has another best friend, Emma. They are both my sidekicks now, and almost anytime you see me, they are with me. This spring I brought the dogs in for a check up, and Emma too has a cataract in one of her eyes. It is in its early stage, but it is something I have been trying to save up for. I would rather do without something I need, and get help for my friends.

Sending a little help for Vinnie!

 

[Jordan Selsor]

Glad things are going better Jim. Had a dog in my youth that had a cataract. His depth perseption was off a lil buy other than that he compensated pretty well. Would have been cool to fix it for him. Good luck getting the funds together for your pup.
As you can imagine I see allot of severe depression working on the ambulance. Some overcome it an some don’t. All i can say is it seems allot of those that get a good hold of it find a passion that keeps them busy and they lean on the Lord.
I recomend you pick up the Bible and start with the New Testament. It has changed many lives for the better, mine included. That’s somthing I feel is missing from the modern day therapists treatment plan. Pray persistently with faith and passion and their is nothing the Lord can’t help you overcome.... An those days you don’t want to get up off the couch make yourself. An idol mind is the devils workshop. Take care an God Bless

 

[kl9]

Glad you found Vinnie, Jim. Dogs have been and will always be a big part of my life. I wish you the best in your road to happiness and I'd love to help you out with Vinnie's procedure. Share at least a part of your story to as many people as you can and you will have the funds for Vinnie in no time. There are many good people out there.

Best wishes

 

[Bowsnbucks]

We all face tough times and more often than anyone wants to admit, we get in the grip of anxiety & depression - some minor, some major. Many different reasons for the onset - some biological / brain chemical, some from outside sources. ( Loss of loved one, marital infidelity, etc. ) You are DEFINITELY not alone.

I'm glad you found a good pal in Vinnie. Pets are great stress relievers. Even doctors will tell you that. And I second Jordan's advice - God is always there to help. Sometimes it just takes a bit for us to recognize what he's up to in our lives.

If you're feeling a little down - get on here and shoot the sh with us. Many of us check in here daily & there are lots of lurkers that may be inspired to post as well. I wish you the best on all fronts Jim.

 

[j-bird]

Glad to see you are making a turn for the better Jim. I have some history with depression and have some exposure to chronic pain within my family so I am aware of some of what you are talking about. It's hard to accept help, but you can't help those that don't want to be helped either!

 

[John-W-WI]

Brave post Jim - extremely well written and I'm sure it wasn't easy.

It sounds like Vinnie found you at just the right time, congrats to both of you.

I always help when I can and look forward to seeing Vinnie catching a Frisbee soon!

By the way, Vinnie looks a lot like my Brownie:



-John

 

[Jim Timber]

Is Brownie a Blackmouth Cur?

Jordan, God is why I'm still alive. What His plan for me is at this point: you got me... No clue! The Mrs. needs a hubby (so she says), kiddo needs a dad, and Vinnie needs someone to take him swimming at the dog park. That's all I've got right now.

 

[sandbur]

Is Brownie a Blackmouth Cur?

Jordan, God is why I'm still alive. What His plan for me is at this point: you got me... No clue! The Mrs. needs a hubby (so she says), kiddo needs a dad, and Vinnie needs someone to take him swimming at the dog park. That's all I've got right now.

Hang in there, Jim!

I try and read a bit if the Bible daily.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[yoderjac]

Jim,

I've got a buddy, disabled special forces, that has been dealing with lots of similar issues for years. Different things work for different folks. One thing that has been a good fit for him is Healing Waters. Recently, some new pilot program started with another service group and he was selected to receive a service dog. He still has lots of struggles, but I've seen a measureable improvement since he receive the service dog.

I'm glad to hear the canine connection has been good for you as well!

Thanks,

Jack

 

[Jim Timber]

I asked my VA mental health social worker about getting Vinnie certified and we never came back to that proposition after I had a down swing the next session. Whether or not I "need" him with me all the time is debatable. I mean, I don't have crazy anxiety in malls or big stores anymore like I did last Summer before I got Vinnie. I do bring him along with for some of my outtings, and the Mrs. has taken to bringing him with her in the morning before I wake up.

He's gotten me moving more, out in society more, talking to people more; and all of that has certainly combined with my meds to effect my over-all well-being. I still have bad thoughts, but they're more fleeting and not as persistent as they were last year. I didn't really want to die, but I didn't want to live either and that's a sin to me. Life is a gift from God; to not want it is blasphemous. So then I hated myself for not wanting to live too.

I actually enjoy spending time with Vinnie. Finding pleasure in anything had become difficult, and seeing him having fun makes me happy. Bringing him to the dog parks to run, fetch, swim, and play with other dogs is usually the highlight of my day when we go. By having activities with him, it gives me time where I'm not hyper critical of myself and I can live in the moment and enjoy whatever we're doing. That fact alone has been huge.

Hopefully by sharing all of this, someone else will find the courage to seek help if they need it.

 

[yoderjac]

I don't know about your case, but my read of my buddies situation is the most important factor is that the dog needs him, not that he needs the dog. I'm not quite sure how this works in the brain, but it has had an observable positive effect on him.

I'm sure you openness is an encouragement to others.

Thanks,

Jack

 

[Bill]

Glad you can open up about things Jim.

Also glad your back to posting. From an admin side of this site I can tell you there was never any ill will about you starting a new site.

Hopefully things keep getting better and you keep hanging out with us.

 

[John-W-WI]

Is Brownie a Blackmouth Cur?

Nope, my wife got me a DNA test on her for fathers day one year.

She is a mix of the following:
Staffordshire terrier
American staffordshire terrier
Corgi
Dachshund

I'm not sure of the difference between staffordshire terrier and american staffordshire terrier but that's what the test said.

The interesting part was the report they sent back (that my wife gave me for fathers day) showed several pictures that "might look like your dog". Many of them did. And all they got was a mouth swab. They didn't know if she was black, white, or green. I trust the test!

-John

 

[Bowsnbucks]

Happy to see you on here again since the other day Jim.

Most people, at some point, deal with stress, anxiety and/or depression. Some can be minor - some major. Causes can be organic ( brain chemical for example ), or external such as loss of a loved one, marital infidelity, war trauma, etc. You're definitely NOT ALONE !! Our society paints men to be like Clint Eastwood - tough in the face of ANYTHING, cold, emotionless, gritty. Suck it up & keep going, keep driving mentality. Project strength no matter what.

That's not reality. We're human - not machines. Most guys will never admit when some situation caused us hurt & pain. That would make us a wimp - a wuss. Right ?? Sticking to that tough guy "mask" is CRAP. Any doctor worth his salt will tell you stress, anxiety, depression all produce REAL physical effects on the human body. Strokes, heart/cardiovascular disease, digestion problems are just a few.

Some years back, I was dealing with a "black hole" myself. After my father passed ( which alone was a tremendous loss ), family problems, high pressure jobs, plus stress & anxiety over our oldest son rebelling against just about everything - I felt like I was in a vice. Every attempt by me at resolving any of these issues went nowhere. This stress period went on for some years - it wasn't a couple months. The more I tried to "suck it up" - the more I felt sucked down. I was snapping at people I love, which counselors told me was a result of feeling trapped in a situation that seemed to have no way out.

My regular doctor noticed how tight I was wound and said it was having physical effects on me. I told him I felt like I was in the swirl when you flush the toilet. He suggested some counseling and did some blood tests to see what was up. Blood work showed low levels of a brain chemical ( the name's 4 blocks long ! ), so he prescribed a medication to re-balance it. That and counseling turned the tide and I felt like a new person. BUT IT TOOK THE DOCTOR TO POINT OUT WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME. I had "toughed it out" to the point of physical ruin.

It takes REAL strength to ask for help. Not the movies kind of Clint Eastwood, John Wayne tough. Real strength is knowing yourself well enough to say "I need a hand with this" - just like we would if we were lifting a heavy log.

The fact that you posted your situation and shared it with us proves you're stronger than you may give yourself credit for. Hang in there, Jim. Better days ahead !!

 

[Bowsnbucks]

Jim - Whatever the mix of dog you & John have is - they're both really cool looking. Sharp, distinct faces.

 

[Jim Timber]

Vinnie's a Blackmouth Cur, which is a breed of scent hound despite his terrier shaped head.

First time I ever took him for a walk in our woods, he pulled me 60-70 yards off the trail straight to a fresh bear poop, pointed to it, looked up at me waiting for acknowledgement, then as I was reaching into my pocket for the cell phone to take a "proud pappa" pic he dropped his front shoulder and smeared half his face in it. My joy instantly turned to Sonofa-! Now I gotta wash that $h!+ off his face...

I've learned that once he's found something nasty, you need to tell him "no" and then he'll mind me and not try to eat it or wear it.

Somebody in Florida lost a damn good dog!

How can you not love this guy?? (he's out cold)

 

[Jim Timber]

Glad you can open up about things Jim.

Also glad your back to posting. From an admin side of this site I can tell you there was never any ill will about you starting a new site.

Hopefully things keep getting better and you keep hanging out with us.

The irony of the other site was that I wanted to focus on growing the environment to promote healthy herds and I realized that half the posts were "us vs. them" (the other sites, QDMA, etc) with superiority complexes mixed in and that bothered me. The other half were bitching about how someone else was always to blame and goals would never be reached with the outside forces acting upon us. Well, there's things you have some control over, little control over, and no control over. I will never be able to stop my neighbors from shooting every deer they see: it's their "tradition" and they think it has no impact on anyone else and will never change it because that's what they've always done and that's what they're going to do as long as they live. The State will never make bucks lottery and grow the herd to levels that would support the meat and bone collectors to both's satisfaction. If my hunting was based on what age class deer I saw, I'd probably heed their sentiments and buy land elsewhere. It's never been about mounting a "tirdy-point-buck" to me. Sure, I like antler porn as much as anyone else who thinks bucks are cool, but that's not what hunting has ever been about to me. We devolved into a trophy hunting site and bitch fest and it removed the last bit of desire I had to keep the place going. I actually saw it as another thing I bombed at, but realized that those people just don't view the problem or solution in the same light as I do, and that's fine. It's something I have no control over and I can accept that. At least, for a while, I tried.